What are the Ethical and Moral Responsibilities in BDSM and how a Dominatrix must act
Let`s remember what BDSM stands for
BDSM is a framework craft,
-art form kink dynamic,
-energy exchange relationship based on love, trust, consent, acceptance, understanding, connection, non-judgment, authenticity, safe space, healing, honesty, bonding, play, learning, relationship, imagination, creativity, freedom of expression, sharing, integration, focused attention, interest, integrity, mutual respect, growth, releasing ego, fun, humor, joy, pleasure, attraction, excitement, experiences, experimenting,
-and moral ethics.
We are in agreement that the words on this page are high-vibrational words
because BDSM is a high-vibrational activity.
As long as we have this foundation to stand upon, we can go anywhere we want.
We can go to dark, scary, exciting places to play for fun because we want to get out of the normalcy of our day-to-day life, and go do something fun and exciting.
For example, why do you like roller coasters?
Because these are things that are fun and exciting and sometimes scary.
But they’re fun, because we know that we’re safe when we get off the roller coaster.
And that’s same with BDSM. We want to have that trust that we’re okay.
And we’re just playing here for fun, momentarily.
Activities that harm people in unethical, inconsiderate, or self-serving ways, is not BDSM
that is abuse.
These are things that BDSM is not BDSM is not stereotyped cliches depicted in popular entertainment.
So oftentimes it’s depicted in movies and TV shows, presenting as something that’s what sick people do, it’s depicted as this dark sick thing, a lot of cruelty to sick people do to get off, it’s made that way. It’s put in that light because it’s entertaining to people.
So we’re still in that phase of where people make fun of things we don’t understand fully about and so this is a common response to think to prejudice when you feel something that you don’t understand or you’re feeling prejudiced about it, you make fun of it, and that’s often what’s happening, what’s happening in media.
So BDSM is also not a psycho pathological illness
A few years ago, around 2005 was still considered a psycho-pathological illness.
At that time, it was still studying the fourth version of the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders.
At that time, sexual masochism, sadism, fetishism, transvestism, were all in there listed as mental disorders at that time.
Because of activists in our community, scholars and psychotherapists, and people who are in the kink community, they advocated that this is not a mental illness, and it got removed.
The only thing that is considered mental illness is if you’re doing things projecting from anger or other behavioral issues or other things that impact your normal day-to-day life.
So if you can’t go to work, or you can’t have a normal family life because of it, then it’s a mental illness, but it’s often something else is going on, some other mental health is going on.
It’s also not about negative judgment because we don’t judge people for their personal things.
That is fetishes and fantasies, we celebrate them.
BDSM is NOT about disconnection.
One of the unethical behaviors often seen is DISCONNECTION
What is Disconnection? So disconnection is when the DOM is in a session, and the DOM is doing something to the sub but mentally she is completely somewhere else
I have an example. One of my subs told me that he’s a masochist, He loves any, kind of corporal activity, so he was being flogged by a DOM. And he couldn’t see her, he was up on a cross, and she was flagging him. But he had the feeling like, I may as well be a tree. She’s so disconnected back there.
Because remember BDSM is an energy exchange activity.
You can feel someone, you can feel the energy, even if he’s not looking at you.
So if the Dom is completely disconnected and thinks of his things at home or going through their grocery list, the subs can feel it.
They don’t know what you’re thinking about, but they could feel that you’re disconnected.
So that’s, disconnection.
Mechanical action is also another unethical action
Mechanical action is when you just go through a checklist in your mind, like okay this sub likes that I’m just going to do these things to him. Or, oftentimes, happens where subs, have a fantasy or they have fetishes. And the DOM does something not even asked for, just because they’re just the DOM, or she is doing something completely off a checklist that she thinks she should tune in to every step.
That’s mechanical action. something we shouldn’t do
So it’s not about taking advantage of people for selfish gain. And then we’ll talk more about that in a bit. And BDSM is not about unethical harm or abuse that goes for mental, emotional, psychological, physical, and financial.
And these unethical things that are happening to subs, either paying clients or lifestyle subs.
We all know about the traditional motto of BDSM being safe, sane, and consensual
I advocate for an updated motto of BDSM, safe, sane, consensual, and ethical.
I feel that we as responsible Dom’s, must go beyond the concept of consent.
The concept of consent it’s a disclaimer, it’s kind of like well, they signed up for this, or they consented to this.
And I feel that we can, and should rise above that.
It’s letting us off the hook too much if we stop the consent, right?
There are lots of legitimate businesses that are considered legitimate or consensual, for example, a salesman selling lemons, cars, or a beauty product says that it’s going to make you 10 Years younger if you use this beauty product.
These are all businesses, that target a buyer at their own risk. And that’s their disclaimer. But is this ethical?
No, it’s not, we don’t have to do that.
So the customer, in all these examples, they’re in a vulnerable state, because they are looking for someone who has an answer to something that they need, they want younger-looking skin, or they want that new car. They’re in this vulnerable state, Sometimes is a desperate state, of need.
And subs have that more, even more on a deeper level because they want to put themselves in that vulnerable state, that’s what they came there for.
So they’re even more vulnerable to harm.
Unfortunately, some of The dominatrixes, because they’re taking this position, can so easily take advantage of that.
The sub doesn’t have a bureau to report to, there are no sub-protective institutions, right?
There’s nowhere, no one that the sub can go to, to say, you know, I I’ve been hurt.
And oftentimes, they don’t realize that that is wrong.
They just take it, they don’t even tell their best friends that they do BDSM a lot of times, so they have no one.
I often ask subs to talk about this topic, asking straightforward
-tell me about some of the experiences you’ve had, where you’ve been hurt emotionally, or psychologically. And they told their stories, and, wow, I’ve known some of these subs for so many years now, some of them decades. And I never knew these stories, because they never told anyone.
And it was very sad to hear.
A lot of them told me that it made them cry, the stories of them being hurt, stories that they’ve held inside themselves for years, that they’ve never told anyone.
All these thoughtless things are happening to subs because they’re not being seen as individuals, they’re not being seen as the special, unique human beings that they are.
They’re just kind of like, seen as Oh, you know, they are just subs. Those are the clients.
Or saying they are just dogs. There are subs out there that are just out there.
They’re not being humanized.
So that’s what happening.
When dogs are not thinking about them, as human beings, they have real feelings too.
They’re just as much of a human being as you are.
And the two consenting adults, you know, sometimes they say, Oh, two consenting adults doing BDSM, that should be totally fine.
But they are two consenting adults in an equal status.
When the sub we’ll make an appointment with a dominant,a professional Dom’s.
maybe a week ahead, he might think about that session every minute of every day until that day.
Four more days. They’re like really anticipating that session.
The DOM might not even think about that until he walks through the door.
That it’s not equal.
So ethics isn’t something that we can outwardly measure.
We can measure consent .
Oh, you know, he verbally consented or they signed a piece of paper.
Ethics is something you have to measure within yourself.
Something that you only know.
This topic of ethics reminds me of the basic concepts of ethics, integrity, equity, responsibility, and honesty.
What about FINDOM?
Financial domination, I will write a separate article about financial domination.
Financial domination is a legitimate kink under the umbrella of BDSM activities that can be done ethically and safely within a healthy d/ s relationship.
The determination of healthy is contingent upon the Dom’s intent, and the sub-state of mind.
If the DOM is well-meaning plays within responsible limits, truly cares about the subs, emotional, psychological, and financial well-being, and has established a trusting relationship with them, then this kink can be played out safely.
But if the sub is in an unhealthy or imbalanced mental and psychological state of mind, and is suffering from low self-esteem, low self-worth, self-harming, abuse or feels unloved or inadequate, they may turn to femme DOM as a self-destructive way to act out and inject their inner pain towards an erotic direction.
It is the Dom’s moral and ethical responsibility to not prey upon those subs, even with given consent.
I hope this makes sense to everyone.
I want to just talk about the second paragraph here. You might say, Well, how do I know that my sub is unhealthy or suffering, emotionally or something?
How do I know?
You can talk to them. First of all, we as Dom’s, pick up energy, this is how this happens all the time, when we play, reading energy.
You can even tell on the phone when a sub is not feeling balanced, emotionally, you can feel it.
So if you feel anything, just ask, You seem you’re looking for something.
Do you have emotional support?
Are you seeing a therapist? I just want to make sure you’re okay.
Because you seem like you’re looking for something, something unhealthy.
And I want to make sure that you’re taken care of first before we play with this.
You can have that talk with the sub. I also want to say that financial domination falls under the umbrella of BDSM and it’s a legitimate legitimate kink, and it is but it’s not.
It’s also not because there are lots of people out there doing Findom who are not trained in BDSM they’re not trained in female domination but they’re calling themselves mistresses and see Findom as a job.
This is very confusing for someone out there who is looking for something real and they think that this is the only way to go.
This type of Findom is practiced by inexperienced Doms is another thing that does not fall under the umbrella of unethical practices.
Why is it happening? misrepresentation in the media?
it’s just everyone’s hearing this everyone’s thinking that this is what it is. And so that’s what’s perpetuating this idea of unethical practices as part of it.
Another reason why unethical practices is happening is the explosion of the internet.
And porn?
So with the internet, all the copycat Dom’s out there, they’re just looking at women doing this. And saying, Oh, wow, people are doing this. People are just asking for money and getting it I’m gonna get on that bandwagon.
And porn, there’s nothing wrong with porn.
They’re showing just the juicy parts the jerk-off parts in porn, right?
And there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just like, that’s just part of it. That’s just a part of what’s going on in sessions.
But that’s what’s being shown. So that’s what people are absorbing. And that’s what they think it is.
Lack of mentorship is also another reason why it’s happening.
I have compassion for people who are doing things unethically because they just, don’t know yet.
They don’t know. And that’s why we have talks like this,for people to learn.
So the dominatrix archetype is essential to know.
I want to talk about this because it`s about maturity level.
As a matured DOM, there are different sides that we need to develop that are progressing and growing in different ways.
The dominatrix archetype has four archetypes for elemental archetypes within the dominatrix.
They are the authoritarian archetype, the seductress archetype, the mother archetype, and the Queen archetype.
And what these archetypes are for is they provide certain connections with yourself.
When you’re in your authoritarian mode, you’re providing a mental connection with yourself.
When you’re in seductress mode, you providing an erotic connection, when you’re a mother, you’re providing an emotional connection. And when you’re in the Queen, you’re providing a spiritual connection to yourself.
So all of these down here, the connections, this is what your sub is looking for unconsciously.
They don’t know that they’re looking for these connections with you as a DOM, but that’s what they’re seeking.
They’re seeking all these types of connections with you. And so the ethical part is within the mother.
If you bring conscious awareness to that side of you, you can develop any of these archetypes within you. I’m going to focus on the mother a little bit more.
The purpose of the mother archetype is she provide the emotional connection between the dominant and the submissive hold a safe space container for play and for the sub to express their true self is responsible for their safety provide protection give guidance and reassurance take care of the sub.
The mother archetype makes the sub want to make her proud.
She has the sub’s best interest at heart and cares about helping them improve.
So this is the ethical part.
This is the part within yourself that has the moral and ethical part within you.
Some qualities of the mother archetype are she’s in charge nurturing, protective, and supportive, she teaches and guides, she is mature, responsible plays safely, and has an understanding of limits and boundaries that she’s nurturing when she needs to be .
She’s protective of her subs when she needs to be. She’s got everything under control, she has her subs back, so they don’t have to worry about things.
She teaches guys and disciplines the subs out of love and always acts in their best interest.
Responsibility. So we as doms, we carry, not just some of the responsibility, this dynamic carries all the responsibility.
and the DS relationship. It’s a privilege, it’s a privilege that we are the ones that are in charge of their sub, we are the ones that are in control of them or taking care of them, we are teaching them guiding them. Because it’s a huge privilege. We have a moral and ethical responsibility to do right by our submissives. What we do deeply affects them on all levels.
And we have a responsibility to come from a place of love no matter what.
Releasing ego.
Ego-driven reasons versus higher purpose.
There are a lot of ego-driven reasons why people do things, and they don’t always come from a higher purpose.
But we hear about people from an ego-driven place achieving things, we hear about successful people doing this, they’re doing it because of the money, the prestige, the image, the power.
And that’s okay. But, it’s not sustainable. And it’s not as fulfilling.
You hear about, these wealthy people having it all, but they’re unhappy, you hear about celebrities, and other people who seem to have it all, but somehow they’re suicidal or unhappy.
So when you have a higher purpose behind everything you do, it’s deeply fulfilling.
Why are you a dom? why do you do this, what is fulfilling about it for you? What fills your heart about it when you dominate? And what fills your soul? Your sub is in service to you within the framework of the DS dynamic. But you are in service to their well-being, all the time.
And this is the outside of the ego perspective. And the power of apology.
This is also a good exercise in releasing ego.
Apology and forgiveness are two really good practices that we can do to release ego.
I apologized a lot. Because I’m human, I make mistakes. If I do I always say I’m sorry, I hurt your feelings. Because I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. And I’m sorry. That is so healing.
It’s especially healing coming from someone who’s in a power position.
If you are someone that is not able to apologize that’s the ego position.
I’m sorry means I love you. And that’s really what it is. It’s so healing. It’s sometimes more healing than saying I love you.
Solutions to end the unethical practice.
Education, and mentorship.
So we have to keep learning no matter what there are always people that know something we don’t know. , Even people who have less experience than, you can learn from them.
Your life has less to do with you than it does with those whose lives you touch.
The more of yourself that you give, the more you get back.
This is about you giving yourself as a DOM or a SUB
The only way to make this craft sustainable is to do it from your heart.
So the only way we have good subs is if we’re good doms. If we get our education, and then we train subs and make them into good subs.
So this is how we save BDSM will be in less danger of becoming a lost art.
If we all do our part. It’s when we represent our beloved art form correctly and responsibly.
Just keep putting it out there, and spread the word, because of all these things that are happening right now on the internet, are making this art lost. And we want to get it, we’d have to get it back.
It’s me doing my part, giving back to the community, and trying to do my part in educating women and men, and anyone passionate about kink.
People must learn about the psychology behind BDSM more.
There’s learning about the psychology of submissives. It`s learning about responsibility, and understanding all these concepts behind it.
We need to understand that BDSM is about love and trust and all of those things.
I want to end with some beautiful words i once heard
We are lightworkers who play in the dark. Right? It’s not who we are. That’s who we are. We’re Lightworkers and what is a lightworker?
A light worker is someone who lights up someone’s life. So you’re a light worker, because you you light up someone’s life and because you made them feel better after being in your presence than before they walked in.
You are a light worker. If you see someone how God sees them. You see the beauty of them. If you see what is adorable about them.
That’s that’s what makes you a life worker.
And that’s a choice.
You can look at what’s annoying about The more you can look at what’s beautiful about them, it’s a choice. So when you look at the beauty or lightworker This is our work
and the other quote is from Dr. Martin Luther King– how life without love is reckless and abusive.
You are all so so powerful, much more powerful and you know, use your power for good